[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
This makes total sense…
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.