I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I finally found a reason to live again.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible