The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Oh yeh? Explain this then
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.