The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Probably my best painting.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird