Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
The 6 types of sex
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.