If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?