The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
LOL
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”