I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.