Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
hi why am I like this
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.