This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.