MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
#merica
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?