“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Damn what did I do next
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”