[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together