Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.