*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!