No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!