“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
gm
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.