“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”