ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
(2022)
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities