I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.