*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The three genders
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.