Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car