[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ