Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!