Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: