I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.