attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.