HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me buying fruit and veg
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
For when Tinder doesn’t work
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.