Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
thank god the sign was there
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?