Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.