My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
😂😂
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.