Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party