The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The Wolf of Wall Street.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.