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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Sunday
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
When they try to steal your moment.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny