her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.