🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Care for your back