Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
He’s dead
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me