“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Nothing to do, you say?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.