Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.