Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.