I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
no cat here
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.