Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
how high up are we talkin’?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
This why you should mind your business