11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
What?!?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Imma just leave this here…………
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot