After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.