*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why