When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.