DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.