At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not