Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I’m not alone. I have ants.