What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
motivation